The sound of lonely Heart, while you are in bed...


His last visited (2 months before his past away)


... and after one then another, the climax is here... news about your death even from 6 years ago it still feels fresh like a morning breeze both in my mind and my heart... the news that travels through the air crossed the ocean made me powerless to do pretty much anything I wish I could do....


Some part inside me that causes my whole damn world to turn upside down, feel damaged, and won’t fully recover again no matter what.


and after that another big storm was coming... that made more of a hole in my empty heart and stretched the wound even bigger and deeper...


I felt deep down the emptiness of my soul wrapped on every beat of my heart. The coldest blood that travels in my vein attacking my brain... killing my hope slowly...


The thought of losing you forever.... any words just will be an understatement to explain it...


I feel so weak sometimes. I am so sorry because when you were still alive I never realised how your existence meant so much for me... your message and support.... even just knowing you are around made me feel so much safer and stronger... losing you feels like losing the light in a long dark tunnel...


But even in my weakest times, I couldn’t even put the word of giving up in my thoughts, just because the lessons you always taught me are too precious to be betrayed...


I know how hard life treated and tested you but you showed everyone your high spirits to keep going..., without a doubt and without fear because you always believed this life is worth fighting for.


... I lost count...


... I could not remember how many times I keep telling myself to be strong...

but at least after nearly a year I finally can come to the place where your body is resting in the forever land... I felt so confused about the mixed feelings I've never have to experience before....


Hard as hell but I stand strong, facing the reality, and have no choice to believe what I don't really want to believe.


My bleeding heart is just too fragile to be touched, no matter how pure the love and lights are some people tried to pour, it does not make any difference because the only thing I can feel is the pain....


...., you would think life will feel sorry for me and stop throwing damn shit at me? Of course not.... even the time... acted like the worst bitch at my old high school and won't freeze and give me a period to heal.... keeping bullying me with challenges... no pause or break in between... and no you around to guide me again.



............................. *******............................



I have to keep building my strength in my sorrow.... the more I remember you and the more I opened the big damn hole in my heart... I also more remembered everything you always said when you were still alive...


I picked up my broken hopes, piece by piece... and I’m still going even it feels hard.


I maybe can’t see your face but more and more I can feel you and mama live in me


... with me....


I have lots of reasons to keep going here....


In 6 years, the pain is still here... I feel no different, but the emptiness in my heart now is overflowing with lots of different things I discovered from my lowest times...


Sometimes my reckless heart is overwhelming with love and care... lucky enough to still have the boys around and the lessons you taught me that keep my spirit alive...


I feel my strength keeps growing even though underneath that I can still feel the same portion of the pain...


I totally accepted this path that was given to me with no word why? Because I believe in something that you were believing...


From the daughter who never stopped missing you both 🌷


Alk March, 25th - 2021

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