DEAR DAD...

After one tectonic shift and another, the grand climax of my ruin is finally here…

It started long ago, when another tempest raged through and cancer took Mom from us...

….and then, 17 years after her, without a sign, with nothing, you are gone just like that… it felt like the final blow.

The news of your departure—though 11 long years have bled into the ether—still cuts through me, fresh and piercing as a lethal morning breeze.

…The news that traveled through the air and crossed the boundless ocean rendered me entirely powerless. I was paralysed, trapped in a reality where I could do nothing but watch my world disintegrate.

A fundamental piece of my existence shattered when you left, tilting my entire universe off its axis.

It left a ruin so profound, so devastating, tearing open new chasms in my already hollow, aching chest, stretching the wounds wider and deeper into the abyss…..

no amount of time will ever truly heal it…

I can feel the absolute void of my soul wrapping itself around every violent pulse of my heart. The coldest ice flows through my veins, invading my mind, systematically executing my hopes one by one...

The agonising reality of losing you forever.... any word in human language is a pathetic understatement to describe it.

There are moments I collapse under the weight of it all.

Forgive me, Dad,

…but while you walked this earth, I never truly comprehended how monumental your existence was to my survival. Your words, your unyielding support... just knowing you breathed the same air made me feel invincible.

Losing you was like watching the very last light extinguish in a never-ending, suffocating tunnel.

….Yet…

𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙚𝙥𝙩𝙝𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙮 𝙖𝙗𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙪𝙩𝙚 𝙬𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨, 𝙄 𝙍𝙀𝙁𝙐𝙎𝙀 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙨 𝙢𝙮 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙.

To give up would be the ultimate betrayal of the sacred lessons you left behind for me….

I watched life test you, break you, and treat you with merciless cruelty—yet you rose above it all, flashing a fierce, unbroken spirit. You marched forward without a shadow of doubt, without an ounce of fear, 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙛𝙞𝙚𝙧𝙘𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙘 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙬𝙖𝙧 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙛𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜...

—————-////————-

... I have lost count of the days.

I cannot remember how many times I have desperately ordered my soul to stand strong.

But finally…. after nearly a year of wandering, I stood before the earth where your body rests in eternal silence.

I remembered, I stood there, utterly paralysed by a chaotic storm of emotions I never knew existed.

It was hell itself, but I stood unbending. I stared cruel reality in the face and forced myself to believe the unbelievable truth that you were gone.

My bleeding heart is a fragile relic; to touch it is to cause agony. No matter how much pure love and celestial light others try to pour into my soul, it changes nothing. The only language my body speaks now is pain.

... And would you think destiny would look upon me with pity and cease its relentless assault? 𝙉𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍!

Time itself has become my most sadistic tormentor, refusing to freeze, refusing to grant me a single moment of sanctuary to heal. It bullies me with challenge after challenge, a ceaseless barrage with no pause, no mercy... and no you around to guide me through the dark anymore.

............................. * * * ........................

I must forge my armor out of my own sorrow. The more your memory haunts me, the wider I rip open the bleeding chasm in my chest... 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙙𝙖𝙧𝙠𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨, 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙫𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙚𝙨, 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 you were 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚...

I am picking up the shattered fragments of my hopes, piece by broken piece. I am dragging myself forward, no matter how excruciating the weight.

I may never gaze upon your face again, Dad, but with every passing heartbeat, I feel you and Mom living, breathing, and raging inside of me.

𝙞 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙜𝙤 𝙣𝙤𝙬...

Eleven years have vanished.

The agony remains completely unchanged. But the void inside my chest is no longer just empty air—it is overflowing with the fierce, heavy treasures I unearthed at the very rock bottom of my existence.

Sometimes my reckless, chaotic heart is utterly overwhelmed with love and devotion by others. I am fiercely grateful to still have the boys and brothers shielding my flank, and the immortal lessons you and Mom taught me that keep my spirit burning like a wildfire 🔥.

I can feel my power growing day by day, even if beneath the armor, the exact same portion of agonising pain remains untouched.

I wholly accept this brutal path laid out before me.

I demand no explanations, and I ask no questions. Why? Because I have placed my absolute faith in the very things you lived and died believing in… *Allah.*

From a pure, unrelenting soul who will never, ever stop missing you both.

🌷

18.07.26

ALK