My Angel without wings...

Its a lot... you don't know how much i mean by ALOT...

day gone... another day gone... took me a month to even put some words here so i can start...

..... Explaining how much you mean to me, God everything just blank.... Only the pain, the sharp feeling deep in the heart... the yukkie stuff i felt down in my throat, i choked... my brain just rumbling... my eyes just flooding.... so i end up stuck, seeing the monitor screen... can't doing freeking nothing... same like yesterday, and the day before that... and before that.... and....

..... Stuck here without you....

Where should i start?

I remembered when i was about 13, My brother took this pretty petite friendly girl home... in an instant click... My mum... My dad... and me just bonded with you. You had that beautiful smile, just something with your smile that people could not forget....

I was born to be spoiled by 2 big brothers, don't even regret or feeling missing out having no biological sister... well no competition in the house... plus i was struggle to understand girls in general anyway and was always happy living my life without any girlfriends around.... but you.... you were so different, your soft nature... and your pure intention shown me your care and your love, broke my walls, i let you in and we become so close since then. I have been blessed to found you and can call you my sister.

We can spends hours and hours talking about everything, I can trust you with EVERYTHING without a doubt and i feel privileged that you felt the same.

When I lost the only other woman in the family through that horrible cancer (MUM), I went a bit lost... but you were there for me, for us... we grieved together. Your dream to become an architect shifted to be a doctor :D ... You told me not long after that one day you want to be a gynaecologist so you could understand what mum had been going through and hoped one day you can do something to help people who were going through same cases with mum... not feel helpless like those days.... the days in the hospital room, the day we just can touch mums soft skin to gave her comfort going through her unbearable pain that she tried hard to hide away in front of us.

.... Mum who always loved you like her own, because you gave her so much love and care... (to be honest to my self maybe it is because you was probably the daughter she was never find in shitty tomboy me... and i am fine with that... cause you know what, you were soooo good to mum, to dad.... to me and everyone in our family.... even our cousins... our uncle.... our aunty.... everyone have no problem to like you.

... And Life is just a life... we went through deep shit, to the moonlight... then we settled down... etc. We have been through all of that together... Its amazing how life can get in our way but we always found a way to keep connected.

..... Time passed.... we grew up become women that we never expected yeah? You have 2 beautiful daughters... you made your dreams come true... become one of the most respected Gynaecologists.... and here i am living my life 5,355 KM across the ocean, been blessed with 3 beautiful boys... I slowly become someone i had in mind.... all of that never changed anything between us, in-fact it makes us stronger.

Hear the sentece you always love to read or heard... the things can instantly put your 1 million dollar smile on your face, and thats why i love to keep telling you about how proud Bapak was of you.... He mentioned this to almost EVERYONE (really) just typical Bapak. Finally one of his kids is a Doctor "YEAAAAHHH....", gees he loved you dearly. You showered him with lots of comfort... unconditional love, that sometimes I am his own biological kid feels that i should probably be learning from you. Remember he ALWAYS texted you when he felt sick, told you all his symptoms and was expecting to get diagnosed from you.... JUST BECAUSE.... just because for him you are one of the smartest and best doctor's who he can trust.... and without needing any prescription or medication he suddenly felt better after you ended up ringing him and doing your magic doctor talk to him on the phone :) We do sometimes joke about him, maybe he is the only man patient you found in your whole career as a gynaecologist lol....

.... and 23 years passed... Bapak had to say good bye to all of us, I always thought losing mum is the worse can happen to me.... losing Bapak.... ONLY GOD knows how this hurt... 2 years passed, i think the pain and stuff will be gone and life will be back to semi normal at least but yeah of course it's NOT.... in fact the big hole never recover and i am still bleeding and hurt ..... I am still dealing with the fact that he is not here anymore to tell me off when i am being stupid or to be happy when i put my senses back on track.

Left me with only 2 big brothers who i care alot for and you... we went to deep grieving together, we shared our loss and pain together... every now and then we talked about how we miss his "keur naon uy" MSG or phone call....

It never crosses in my mind that you will ever leave us...

The night before you leave i just had that "THING" i could not stop crying, my heart full and mind just can't... JUST CAN'T imagine losing you... I cried, I prayed, I hoped, I wished.... then i put my self together to write you a message, the message you never get.... IS #$*&*^@(^$)_!*#_)!~$

...... and that phone call... .... ....

I dunno... my heart is still aching until now,

again.... how stupid i am thinking that what else can be more painful than losing mum and dad????????

OHHHHHH..... I want to be happy again, because i know thats what you will tell me if you were still here... but i hope you understand if i couldn't (for now anyway).

Trust me i programmed my head trying to convince myself this is the best for you... Allah knew it's the best, everything happens for a reason, this is already written..... long long other POSITIVE thoughts and words in endless scribblings trust me..... just to get my head around it....

Don't get me wrong, I have already accepted and let you go... but i guess the pain will stay...

Until..... (only God know.......)

"' I want to tell you about my day... I want to laugh with you about yours...but... all the days start and end the same......... They all begin and end without you...."

..... Until we meet again sister......

* 06th of June 1977 - 06th of January 2017 *